Being mentally and emotionally unstable is all I can understand with my situation right now. But it doesn’t bother me at all. For all I care, I am just true to myself. Therefore, people can either go by with my antics or leave me alone. It does not matter whether they like me or not because I know I wasn’t born to please them. I deal with things my own way because there is no point in allowing people to share their unsolicited opinions. I don’t need it. And even if I do, I still won’t have enough reasons to listen to their suggestions or whatever.
Yes, a lot of them think I am entirely hard to deal with. But I like it that way. I am not sure why many of these individuals give a fuss about how I deal with others. This is me, and I only want to be accepted as who I am. Is that too much to ask? If my personality is the significant issue why people are choosing to stay away from me, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need them anyway (sourgraping).
How I Deal With People
So far, I deal with people the hard way. Perhaps that is because I always find myself angry even at small things. But can you blame me? I mean, who on earth would feel happy when they get upset? Of course, there is no one. And even if people tell me that I am too naïve in just feeling angry for petty things, I do not care. If those things upset or disappoint me, then it does. I won’t control my temper just because somebody might get offended or hurt.
But to be honest, I know I am unfair not only to those I felt angry with but also to myself. I understand that my personality has nothing to do with this emotional issue. My angry disposition is not something people would easily accept and understand, and I get that. I sincerely know that people avoid me because they feel like I intend to always hurt them physically, verbally, and emotionally.
My anger is way out of control most of the time. Some of the things I do are very inappropriate such as shouting at someone else’s face, breaking and smashing things into small pieces, and physically hurting someone. I also find myself lying most of sometimes so I can emotionally torture others’ feelings and thoughts. Doing these things makes me feel both in control and pathetic at the same time.
I know that my actions are solely based on the triggers I can’t avoid. Some of the few things that can affect my anger management issue when I deal with things repeatedly. It makes me lose all the patience I have. It makes me feel stupid for putting up with things I can’t come up with a solution to. Sometimes, I also get uncomfortable when my opinions are not heard, which makes me feel unappreciated. Also, there are moments that I get in rage just for thinking about how most people bully me with my condition. And the fact that they intend to avoid me makes me lose my last inch of restricted tolerance.
I find myself entirely unpredictable as I get angry often too much. Even those memories I used to remember to make me feel a little irritated. In unfortunate instances, hearing words and phrases that do not entirely concern me makes me annoyed—and knowing that people worry too much about their lives and all that makes me want to hate them. I get frustrated and agitated when I can’t control situations and sometimes people too.
Until now, I still haven’t figured out why I seem to hate everything about my life. There is so much anger in me that I feel like I need to release. In my last counseling session, my counselor told me that it is perhaps due to the childhood trauma that puts me in a devastating position. When I think of it, I could say he might be right about it. My childhood experience is way too different than anybody else. I suffered a lot from emotional, physical, and verbal abuse from my unloving parents. I also experienced being bullied at school for being different. I don’t genuinely have friends that I can turn to. So I suppose that is where all these anger management issues arise.
It’s not often that I say this, but I know I need help. That is why as much as reasonable, I would like to open up more to my counselor about the struggle. I want these anger issues to go away. But for now, my anger problems are what I can hold onto. It allows me to realize how many things I need to sacrifice to change the way I currently am.